How to Get Quality When What You Have is Quantity: Networking for Extroverts

Previously I wrote the article Networking for Introverts, yet I never wrote the corresponding Networking for Extroverts article. It's time I right this wrong! When you already love connecting with people it can feel pretty easy to reactivate existing connections and form new ones, but that doesn't mean we extroverts don't also experience networking pitfalls!

Where extroverts often struggle is in navigating so many active connections. It can be vexing to stay connected with your whole network all the time in a way that's personable and meaningful. Extroverts love people, so we want to have all the people around us all the time. But Extroverts don't magically have more time than non-extroverts. We are all limited by time and energy. Extroverts can struggle to prioritize relationships when we truly do love all of our relationships. Here are some strategies to smoothly manage your business and personal relationships.

Moderate the Frequency

In the same way that you might see a romantic partner every day, but not see close friends every day, there are different frequencies that feel right for different relationships. Being friends doesn't have to mean that you'll see each other weekly, monthly, or even quarterly. When you reactive a connection it just means you want to see them more frequently than however long it's been since the last time you saw them. When forming new connections, each party might have an assumption of frequency but really frequency has to be negotiated.

Sometimes (usually) the "frequency" isn't communicated clearly. If you haven't seen someone in two years and then pop out of the blue to rekindle the friendship, they might think they're going to see you every week. There's nothing wrong with seeing someone less often. We're all busy people and as extroverts, we love people so much and want to see them all a ton, but time is limited!

You can explicitly talk to a connection about this, but more often we negotiate this through action. This means you're going to have to turn down invitations from time to time, but don't worry, I've got a trick to make that feel better! It also means you're going to want to extend invitations to others, but not all of them at the same time and not on a random, impersonal basis.

Use the Power of But

When you know a lot of people, invariably you're going to be invited to activities that directly conflict, and you'll have to turn one of them down. Here's a subtle trick that will let you turn people down yet make them love you more for it!

The word "but" negates everything that comes before it. When I first became aware of this I was taught to try replacing it with "and." This works quite well in situations where you want both points to be included, and it also helps you see when you're undoing your argument.

More recently I learned how this same dynamic can be used to make yourself more likable. Since "but" negates what comes before it, you can use it to dismiss the sad news and celebrate the good news. Here's an example: if someone has invited you to a party that you won't be able to attend you could reply with: "I'd love to come to your party, but I can't make it." However, this negates the first part (the part where you'd love to come) and centers the latter part (the part where you can't make it.)

If you flip the first and second part it would downplay the part where you can't make it and center the part where you'd love to be there. This leaves your friend feeling warm and fuzzy rather than sad that you won't be there. When flipped your response would look like this: "I can't make it to your party, but I'd love to be invited next time!"

The next time you're having to turn down an invitation, think about starting with the bad news and following it up with "but" and what you'd like to see in the future.

Invitations to Join Your Life

When extending invitations, you might be drawing a blank when trying to come up with activities. If this is the case for you, stop thinking about discrete activities and just think about all the things you're already doing and if you'd like company while you do it. Getting creative with seasonal activities like apple picking or wreath making is a great starting point, but you can also invite people along to mundane life activities. Planning to get some work done at a coffee shop one morning? Invite someone along! Eating dinner? Invite some folks to join! Taking a shower? ....err... ok, you don't have to invite people along to _everything_. You get my point: if it could be more fun with people, think about inviting someone. (And if you don't want anyone to come along, you don't have to!)

All My Favorite People

Now that you're thinking about all the things you could invite folks to do with you, we need to look at the other side of the equation: who do you invite? Not everything is necessarily fun as a group activity. But if we're only inviting one or two people, how do we choose who?

As extroverts, we struggle because our list of our favorite people is epically long, and all of them are literally our FAVORITES! When we have the thought to include someone in an activity it will quickly go from a small gathering to a raucous party nearly on accident.

This happened to me when I was graduating from college my mother offered to throw me a graduation party. She made the mistake of starting the party planning at the guest list. After my list of my favorite people hit the bottom of the second page, she started sweating. Somehow I managed to regroup and turn it into a dinner for less than 20, but it was a difficult process!

Thoughtful and Tailored Inclusion

Rather than thinking of a "favorite" person, think of a person who would most specifically be interested in the activity you're considering inviting them to. What about the occasion, activity or other guests would a specific person really value?

In the case of my graduation party, I started thinking of it not as my "favorite" people, but as what subset of people would enjoy each other and have really interesting dinner conversation? This approach had the added benefit that it made the party less about me, and more about the experience I was creating for my attendees.

When everybody is invited it can start to feel impersonal. We're not trying to create a fan club here, we're trying to build and enhance connection with the people you're inviting. So deeply consider the people you're inviting. If Sally mentioned that she has fond memories of apple-picking with her grandmother, then invite her to go on your apple-picking excursion. And if Joe mentioned that the fall feels depressing for him because he really loves the spring, then invite him to visit the Skagit Valley tulips and skip inviting him to apple-picking.

Consider what you know about people, but also how you anticipate the people you're inviting will get along. Most adults can keep the peace with each other, but we want to shoot for more than that! Invite people who you think will get along like a house on fire! And if they don't get along as well as you hoped, don't sweat it. They probably still had a plenty good time.

The Extrovert's Big Picture

Extroverts often seem to network easily, but keeping a large network active and meaningful is a tricky undertaking for any extrovert. Remember that you don't have to see all the people all the time, but even mundane activities can be made more fun with someone along. Don't worry about turning people down, instead spend your energy turning your invitations into a creative process where you're trying combinations of people and discovering what combinations make magic happen. This is how you can keep more of your network sincerely connected to you rather than just another face in your fan club.